I woke up Sunday morning, sick with a horrible sore throat, to numerous messages from FB. As I tried to swallow and scroll all of the messages on my phone, I was dumbstruck to find out that a friend of mine from college had suddenly passed away. Pam was a breast cancer survivor who had buried 2 sister in laws and her mother in the past 4 or so years (all from cancer). She was the mother of 4 children in addition to working full-time. Pam went to bed Friday night, feeling fine and passed away in her sleep. It seemed that nobody could believe the news. FB brought all of us together a few years ago and now we are using it as our source of comfort as we remember, share memories and as we all grieve in our own way.
Pam was one of these larger than life people. She lived large, laughed loudly and always saw the upside in things. She was the type of person who really didn't give a shit what others thought - I had to respect that! I hadn't kept in great contact with her until we moved to NJ and I found out that she had been diagnosed with cancer. I reached out via e-mail or card (I really can't remember) but I remember getting a response back and her thanking me for taking the time to send it. It struck me then, that it was so like Pam to thank me...here she is in the fight of her life and SHE takes the time to thank me. From that point on, we exchanged X-mas cards and then became FB friends. I kept up with her prognosis and progress through my college roommate Amanda who lived in the same city as her. In her battle, she was finally cancer free, had gone through reconstruction but was still taking a cancer drug to protect her from a possible reoccurrence.
Last October, we had a sorority reunion and since we were moving to HK, I decided to go. Brian opted to come along (really just so he could go to Primani's!) and it was a chance to show the kids where I went to college and let them have fun with my friends' kids - it's funny to see them all together:). I hadn't been to Pittsburgh since the fall of 2005 and this was only my 2nd time back after graduating. My college days were a total blast - the friends I met there are still some of my closest friends...it's important to have friends who knew you before (you know, before you grew up and had to get a job!) - I think it keeps you real - it keeps you grounded - it keeps you from taking yourself too seriously!
The reunion was like reliving one of our formals! We all just fell back into place - taking on our respective roles and laughing until it hurt. Even though we were all now "adults", we still managed to have chug contests (I was on the winning team - I'm sure that makes my parents proud of me at age 39), dance like we were 21 and yes, I got up with the band to sing Mustang Sally. Of course we couldn't let the night end with the formal, we took the party to our college bartender's current bar and continued there. My last memory of Pam was at this bar where she proceeded to show me how they did her reconstruction - "it sucked" were her words. Then she laughed as she explained that "they took the fat from my stomach so it wasn't all bad." I just had to laugh - here, she had been through this horribly painful (physically and emotionally) experience and she could take something good from it. She was just a fun person - people liked being around her because she had such a positive energy. She will be greatly missed.
Her death has hit all of our college crew particularly hard. I'm not sure if it is because, for me anyway, she is the first person in my immediate friend group who has passed, or if we are all now so acutely aware of our own mortality. We always think we have more time.
Death is such a difficult thing to wrap your head around...I know it should give everyone comfort to know that she is in Heaven, but for me, it doesn't right now. Maybe it will someday, but I can't help but think of her kids. I know they now have someone looking over them but it's not like having your mom tuck you in at night or give you a hug and that makes me sad and then I can't stop crying. It just doesn't seem fair. I talked to Amanda the other night and she made a point that does make me feel better - she said, "you know, I can't help but think God took her now so that she wouldn't have to go through anything else..." Pam had told her that she had to have another procedure done to help keep her cancer free - her battle was still not over and maybe it never would be. Maybe that is why God wanted to save her. That does give me comfort.
Pam, you are loved and missed my friend.
