I had to take a hiatus from writing this so I could finish up another writing project for work – although someone reminded me I wasn’t actually getting paid for that one so can I really call it work? In any case, it’s done...Was e-mailed out on Monday! At least for a month it's done until the publisher ships it back to be edited again!
I was reading another friend’s blog today and it inspired me to get back to mine. His was brutally honest – even dark at times and I’m challenged to do the same (honest, not dark….just not my personality☺. Living abroad sounds cool and interesting and fun….until it isn’t. Then it just sucks. Writing this is cathartic for me – it helps me keep things in perspective and just lets me share. I try to keep my kids out of it – frankly because I want to protect them – I chose to share my life, they didn’t. This week however, I need to share Thomas’ story. Thomas is the youngest of our 3 boys and as my grandmother would say, “he’s full of it!” Not really sure what it is, but you know it can’t be a good thing!
As a parent, the following experience nearly drove me to the airport to come home. Screw it- I’d just live in Madison with Thomas and Brian could stay here with the other 2. (Yes, I do know that was never an option!) As a teacher, the experience shook me at my core and left me speechless! In a nutshell, Thomas has been getting intervention since he was about 18 months old for speech and since he was about 2 for OT. We’ve covered our bases and had him seen by the developmental pediatrician who told us at 2 ½, he presents as a kid with ADHD (but much too early for a diagnosis). He has a Sensory Integration Disorder (need Jerzie to tell me if I’m right there) – he has “sensory seeking” behaviors that go beyond being a boy. Basically, Thomas is a super energetic kid who needs physical outlets in order to help him focus. Although he has learned how to operate on a calm level, he will probably always need a lot of physical input. He isn’t the easiest kid by any stretch of imagination but he sure is the happiest! He is a genuinely happy kid and he is continuing to make progress. Of course, when he is having a day (kid on crack is how we refer to it), you really need to be on your A game! He can be exhausting – my brother calls him Taz…not really the nicest nickname, but there have been days that it was appropriate. He works much better with boundaries….he needs to know where the line is or he makes his own line – considering he is only 3, that is never a good thing!
One of my fears for Thomas has been about school. I’ve tried to picture what he’ll be like at age 6 or 8 in the classroom with 25 kids. I might sound jaded but I get classrooms. I know how much teachers have to do and how much they are trying to accomplish in a short period of time with little resources. So I know that there are teachers who hate kids like Thomas…kids like Thomas make their job really hard! They don’t sit still, they don’t focus, they bother their neighbors, they don’t put their shit away or keep their desk clean….I know! I’ve been there! I get it!! Thomas is a handful and a half, but he’s also a really bright kid – I just want to see him have a positive school experience so he continues to love to learn! Teacher friends…RELAX! Yes, of course I know there are some really good teachers out there – many of whom I would love Thomas to have! But I can’t handpick his teachers for the next 12 years and travel all over the US to do so!
Because of his language delay, he qualified for the Special Needs preschool in our town and we were BLESSED with one of the most competent, caring, patient teachers I have ever met. Miss Susan really understood kids like Thomas. So for about 15 months, he had been in the same preschool, with the same teacher and relatively the same kids for the entire time he was in school. In the past year, he really made some incredible gains (we also took him off Gluten, got him in Tae Kwon Do and continued therapies until we left) and we thought he would transition to HK with ease since he was testing at age appropriate levels – let’s let him be with his peers. When we got here, I was desperate to find him a school so I could finish my book project – yes, I know it must sound awful, but I did have a job and a deadline!
Long story short – we put him into the preschool that was attached to where we were living in the serviced apartments. Not my first choice, but very convenient and quite honestly, I couldn’t get him anywhere else that had an opening that was conducive to the other kids’ school schedule. Besides Brian reassured me, “he’ll be with his brothers next year – no big deal.” When I went in to meet with School XXX, I discussed Thomas’ prior placement and shared his current speech and OT reports. The curriculum person (not really sure of her title/credentials) calmly explained that…”we ...can..do…some…mild disabilities…..but…..” I should have known then! But she met with Thomas and thought his language was fine –so he started.
Big Deal #1 – Thomas started off okay for the first 2 weeks, but then was having some issues with other kids…you know, basically beating the shit out of them! No big deal….
Big Deal #2 – We get called into the principal’s office by the Mandarin teacher to discuss the hitting issues….Yes, I wrote this correctly! The (^*%^%#$$ principal didn’t even call me herself – I heard about the meeting from the Mandarin teacher who I could only understand 50% of the time (the same teacher who insisted on talking to Thomas in *&%&^% Chinese even though we were still working on English!). Thank goodness Brian was at the meeting – you know, I’ve run tons of meetings like that but when it is your own kid, something is different. Particularly when the principal (this god awful British thing) says things like “we don’t have to take those types of kids.” Really?? You just said that out loud?? Even if you thought it, try finding a better way to express yourself!
If you are reading this, I’m guessing that you know me well. Then you know I sure as shit wouldn’t be quiet in a meeting about my own kid…but this one was different. I was stressed about my deadline, stressed about moving here and now I had a kid who was violent!! I really wondered about this move…and had that feeling again...I can't believe we did this! In the end, after listening to her take on a child she had never even met, we came up with a plan to help Thomas transition better, blah, blah, blah and planned to meet in 2 weeks (at my request).
Big Deal #3 – I get ANOTHER call from the principal (her secretary this time) the following week and she wants to meet the next day. I’m thinking there is NO WAY this is good news! Brian is out of town (not a big deal, for him!). I was a bit timid at the last meeting – but going into this meeting, I simply decided I would not let some elitist English bitch tell me my child was “bad.” Simple as that!
I sat down and she looked at me with this pitiful look, almost as if to say…”you poor thing with that horrible child” (be sure to do the accent, it adds to the flavor!). She explained a few of the things that Thomas had done (apparently he stood up and kept saying, poopy, poopy, poopy during a lesson – no one reprimanded him, they just let him escalate….really good behavior management!) that just “completely ruined the lesson…while the other kids sat and listened like they should.”
Me: Listen, I think we both agree this is not the right placement for Thomas and I have no problem with today being his last day. (Not bitchy, just blunt. Let’s be honest, I beat the bitch to the punch – she was going to kick him out.)
Her: we feel very badly when we can’t….
Me: let’s be honest, it is neither the mission nor philosophy of the school to include all kids – it just isn’t.
Her: You are very brave!
Filtered Me: Brave? For F*ing what?? Believing that my child is not the serial killer you think he is going to grow up to be??? It was everything I had to hold off telling her what I really thought about her and her F*d up International Baccalaureate Preschool! Brave, please! Try fighting on the front lines, having a child with cancer....I wasn't brave, I was just being his mom.
Me: Yes, well, I’m going to find a school that is a better fit for Thomas. Have a good day.
My gut feeling is when he knew the teachers didn’t like him and the kids didn’t like him (who wants to be friends with the kid the teachers don’t like)….he didn’t like it and acted out. Felt really sorry for him and had a lot of mom guilt for putting him in such a bad spot! When I told him he wasn’t going to school there anymore, he said, “why?” I asked him if he liked it and he said “no”, I replied, “that’s why.” He never once asked to go back, never asked about any of the kids, nothing….and we drove by it 20 times per day! That speaks volumes.
I learned a really important lesson that day - I've said this to many parents but today I know that I am my kids' only true advocate. If I don't believe in them, they won't believe in themselves. It doesn't matter so much if other people don't believe in them, they HAVE to believe in themselves...it'll be the only thing that stays with them when things get tough.
BYE BYE SCHOOL XXX
The Aftermath
When I talked to him about going to other schools, he would only respond with, “I want to go back to NJ to Miss Susan” or "I want to go to Miss Susan's class." How sad!!! I felt horrible!!! He was only 4 and I had scarred his educational career! I really doubted this move – he was always my concern coming here, but this might just put me on a plane back home. My new mission was to just find him a place that he liked – I didn’t even care if he learned anything.
I called another school I had found back in January and had really liked the director (a lovely English woman!) when I met her. I brought Thomas in and he said he liked it and would go back – thank goodness!!! And, the director wasn’t turned off by what I told her happened at the last school. He is now in his 3rd week of his new school – a very small class centered around building independence in a structured environment. They are all about the development of a child. His teacher is very warm and caring yet structured and has rules. She is not afraid to set limits and he seems to be responding to her nicely. I ran into her around our new apt last week and he said she “just adores Thomas.” She told me that he had a day that he was testing the limits, but that was “totally normal” as he was learning the structure. I told her how happy I was that he liked her and liked her class and what an awful experience he had previously. I had to hold back the tears when she talked about liking him….after the debacle at School XXX, I feel like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop…knock on wood or say a prayer this is a good experience for him!
Schooling in HK 101: A quick lesson on the system
1. Kids begin school at age 1.
• Obviously we made a bad choice of school for a variety of reasons – 24 kids in his class, heavily populated Chinese, no other American kids in his class, most of the teachers were young and had never come across a child like Thomas. When you have kids who start school at 1, clearly, they are at a higher academic level – hell, after 3 years of formal schooling, they should all know how to read!!
2. BIG DEAL #4….Kids have to interview for school placements. Yes, in fact, School XXX had an Extracurricular Activity entitled “Preparing for school interviews.” Again, NO JOKE!
• Thomas’ interview was 3 days after I pulled him out of School XXX – good times here! I was seriously stressed to put him back in a situation with 12 unknown kids without me to help him navigate! And they would be “testing” him – I really needed some big time prayers now!! We are still waiting for the official results.
• Yes, I know back in the states, you have the whole sibling thing with getting into schools…not here! Doesn’t really matter – “there are no guarantees” is what I have been told numerous times by numerous people including school administrators.
3. Kids apply to about 5-6 schools.
• I’m sorry, I missed the memo on college applications at age 4!
• Here’s the thing to remember – there is no public school to fall back on! Your kid doesn’t get in, you’re homeschooling!
4. Schools are ULTRA competitive.
• They have to be to start kids out at the age of 1.
• They have ULTRA competitive parents – parents who send their kids to the private international schools are typically highly successful, highly educated and motivated.
• They don’t have to let anyone they don’t want in. Bottom line – they are private schools. They have their own rulebook.
5. The HK society is ULTRA competitive
• This is a must read for anyone who hasn’t heard of the Tiger Mom. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html
That’s all for me – it’s now really late and I have to go to bed so I can go to a Mother’s Day celebration at Thomas’ school in the morning. ☺
